What I feel – Loss means less.

Have you ever thought about losing your most beloved person in life? I had. It is just a mess thought in short period but surely worst time to think about.

In recent time, mbf has been suffered the feeling of a dearest became weak and he is staying the border of the death. He, as I can feel, always placed a first position on her heart and mind when she would like to talk about the close and blood relation. He has been weak since end of last year due to heavy lung’s problem. Her world is turning around and around then it was down a bit and a bit.  However, she can do nothing. She had to be too tired not only for the news but also for the waiting time. She might be first one who must been through this experience in our friends. The feeling of helplessness is always uncomfortable.

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If it was me who will pain through this event, I will not know how I will treat myself. Maybe just like her or just be silent. I has been taught to be independent since I was very young. I know that I am a woman and even I was a woman, I firmly knew I had to learn how to survive by myself.  My mind again try to blow these thoughts out of head but sometimes I am curious to know what really happened and I cannot stop them for a while. This is usually not a good sign for me at all. I hate that feeling.

According to the universe attraction law, the universe replies to human call what they repeatedly call. I have a strong belief on this theory. It happened to me when I did many unintended and sometimes stupid thoughts. By other words, the universe replied to me in unpredicted way. I am worried for HER. I must control inside voice carefully.

I had lost most of beloved people under despair. I meant the close-long-necessary relationship. What I did was keeping the undone promises, and I till haven’t done it for them before I lost them. It is the true that I don’t wanna let anybody get into my heart&soul since the time I push myself to be independent. Thus, when each pass away (or leave me/ break up), it means I had less faith. In deep of heart, these people always has my respect and care because I trust them as much as I can to put them into my protected area.

I don’t want to lose you whenever I chose you. Sometimes I did stupid things, please forgive me. I will return and say sorry then. 

I need you in my life.

Written by Gin.

 

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